Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
