So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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