i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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