my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
