Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My vagina is very pro this idea
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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