im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
we're so committed to being not committed
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
