Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Terrible idea I love it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
