we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
