dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
