You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
