Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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