Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
