you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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