FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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