fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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