I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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