my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
