I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
