When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
