Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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