I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize