he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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