As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize