i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize