Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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