I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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