chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
