I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
