i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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