I cannot find my penis.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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