she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
