dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
