It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize