textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
