my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
