Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
