i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
