I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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