So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
