So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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