Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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