i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
why is half of my head shaved?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
