i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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