I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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