I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
