Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
