I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
