his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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