You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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