Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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