You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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