Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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