you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
A bitchslap is in order.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
