He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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