Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
