Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
