Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
