I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
