I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
