i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
