I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
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