i need an iv and a liver transplant
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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