I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
