the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
