I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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