I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
